(if it does happened , please remind me this k? :S)
And so, I'm listening to the same track about 12 times already, (
Stop and Stare by One Republic) hurmmm , why Dee?!
Its the song I did for the pre-bthday dedication video footage for my two fav February boys. Who else?! S & A. I kept listening to it over and over again. It's not that I wanted to listen but there is a story behind it.
Last week was a week of HELL for me. Seriously it was. Video assignment was stressing me up. I wasn't myself that time. I have hurted someone who care for me , and been rude to him. I even cut my own wrist just to get kill the stress, but actually I was killing myself. I screamt my lungs out to my friends. Let just say I was lost and not myself enaf said. What the hell is happened to me that time!? Something happened that Thursday night, and that night changes everything right now. I don't want to know and remember that night cause all I can remember the next thing I cried and cried till the next day, Friday. A glance of his appearance making me feel so guilty and killing me softly inside. I was ashame of my mistakes and I know it was all my fault. If I were to listen to his advice, nothing bad would happen. If I and him were in a good state, nothing bad would happened. Loosing a bestfriend, is not that hard, but loosing a bestfriend that you realized he is the best genuine bestfriend you ever had, is REALLY DAMN HARD! Why am i crying him for?! Why I can't just shut my eyes for one seamless night?
So I stay strong. I want to fix things up. Yesterday , I made a special pre-bthday surprise for him. I spent my allowance for a cake , party pack : snow spray and other things. The most special thing I did for him, is that I made a pre-bthday dedication video footage for him
(later if I uploaded on Youtube, I will show you guys) just to say I'm sorry and the things I have done to him and appreciating his presence in my life and of our other friends life.
First, he and I was okay with everything I did, the video and the cake. We talked (
I guess that is a sign to show that we are cool). Ate dinner at Marche, taught him how to eat there. Is quite noob at first for him, but I guess he can eat something abit different from now on. I guess everything was back to normal.
..but for awhile ,ONLY! :/
What make me feel uncomfortable is now, that things have changed since that night happened. Waiting for my message to be reply is like waiting for the sun to come out and from the rain, today. What else i need to prove to him that I am sorry for my mistakes!? isnt the video enough for you!? Do I need to cut my wrist ( DNT EVER THINK ABOUT IT , okay Dee!?). I guess if God have to punish me for my mistakes , I might as well have to accept it. I am blaming myself in this room the whole day, not coming out , not eating or drink , just seat on the bed bench and wrapped myself with warm cozy blanket just to feel someone consoling my broken heart. Is unusual for him to behave like this, not replying my message?! (
don't have credit?! It can't be, you always have extra top up card in your wallet, I so do know you), is he torturing me ?! Have he forgiving me!? I don't think so. I'm expecting more than just "
thanks for yesterday". I guess if he's trying to beaten up my mistakes slowly by not replying my message, is cursing me.
It's okay. I deserve it. What I need to prove to him is done. I did all I could yesterday. I'm gonna wait for the right time to confront him. I;m not resting my tears till I have confront what I want to say to him (face-to-face). If things are still the same, I guess this is the way it has to be from now on. Like I said, you will always be the bestest BESTFRIEND I ever had (you don't need to believe me, but you need to feel me ) I mean it. And again I'm so sorry( this is my 45th time of sorry to you, and I wont sick of it till things are it used to be or better). Take care. Have a nice day.:")
P/s : Remember you said this "I'm tying here to make things be better, trying to help you, always there trying to help you. Through good or bad"
So basically I'm the one now trying to do to you. Please don't be like this and make me feel guilty.
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